Oh dear

How fitting that I should find this when I need to vent…

Here I was thinking I lost my mind from loosing the one person in this world who has ever well and truly loved me for who I am without judgement or reservation.

Yet 2013 looks a shade of bleak.

Anger, rage is proof that you’re powerless. Powerful people are never out of control. – Erwin McManus

I heard that in a podcast today, and had a monumental fall out with my brother hours later.

If anything, I know that for a breakthrough to occur there has to be a breakdown of what no longer serves you. It’s impossible to grow whilst being who you were.

When I started rugby, it was an outlet for the anger I felt. My brother is the only person who has ever got me so mad. And all arguments end with me crying, shaking with anger. At the core of it, disappointed and sad at the breakdown of our relationship. Angry at myself for not being a better sister. Angry for letting myself down and my mother and most of all, my brother and that I’m not better.

Since 2015 or 2016 my goal has been to have a better relationship with him, and I thought we were there.

I don’t know why we don’t get along. And although I understand him, I don’t agree nor will I ever accept his views. But unlike him.. actually I can not talk for others, only speak that which I know.

I’ve always worked best with my back against the wall. When I’ve been doubted and got something to prove. But I don’t want this anger. And I don’t know how to let it go.

The difference between 26 and 20 years Me is that I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know who I’ve been and who I want to be. And if I’m going to fight my corner, I come first.

Maybe we can’t be best friends. And if we cannot be respectful, it’s better not let that dark energy fester around others.

You decide

You have your good days and bad days

Your feelings ever changing like the seasons

Depending on the mood

Circumstances

Or People

But ultimately, you decide

Emotions are deceiving

You choose whether to respond or act

Be a victim or victorious

We delude ourselves, with these lies, of where they’ve gone. 

But ultimately, no one knows. 

It’s only for our sanity, to ease the pain, to feel less alone. 

That you’re still with us, in some way. 

I promise

I hate it so much. And I want it to be better! Why is there homeless people on the streets that get  arrested for asking money? Okay so it gives them a better than January cold for the night but it’s strips you if your self respect! 

Why aren’t we emporing these people ?? The people of North Korea or South ? The ones that are controlled? We were all born with freedom and no human of any kind has or should have the power to strip us of that! 

You won’t see this, the one who it really matters to but you are better than your past and the things they said to you. You are a winner. And you’re SO much better than this and I really won’t rest until I make this right. It is not fair, nor justified or right. 

We are all God’s children and we were all born with love In our heart. 

Love over fear

In the end, love conquers all. 

When you’re at the end of your life, you won’t wish you had more money at that moment in time. You won’t want more whips in your garage. 

You’ll either be overjoyed for the life you’ve lived or regretting the choices you made. 

So just love whilst you can. Love the people on your life. Love your job. Love your hobbies. Love and appreciate this very moment because you’re not guaranteed the next. 

Appreciate the breath of fresh air in the morning even if it stings the back of your throat because it’s so crisp and it’s an early Monday in the middle of January and all you want is to be back under your warm covers in bed – at least you can feel it!

Tell the people in you’re life that make your day that much brighter, how special they are. Say thank you for the things they do. Don’t take them for granted. Smile at a stranger. Open doors for people. 

Get out of your head. Stop hating on things and people. Don’t worry about what their opinion of you are. What do you think of yourself? Did you make the best of the day you were given? Were you kind? Did you appreciate?

At the end of your life will you be glad to have let the fear of whatever you’re not doing stop you from getting what you want or will you be proud of yourself for having spoken up? For taking the first step?

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Let your passion guide you, let your love light the way. 

I dare you…

Life wasn’t easier when we were kids! We just had a less inhibitions. We didn’t think about others opinions of us or care about how we might be perceived. 
I dare you to strip away the layers that have accumulated over the years; every time you revealed a little bit of your true self and somebody made a comment which made you think you were wrong. 
Every time you wanted to do something different and was called weird so you banished it from your mind. 

Everyday! Everyday, something or someone influences us whether positively or negatively but you won’t notice it if you’re not aware of what is going on and who you are. 

So I dare you to take charge of your life and your feelings: what are you watching? What are you reading? Who are you talking to? What music are you listening to?

I used to think I was different. Alone. Weird. Then I discovered the Internet, and in it, a little home called Tumblr, where it seemed all the outcasts lived and I was welcomed with open gifs and quotes. 

But recently I realised that if there’s so many people in one place that feel the same, where are we when we log off? (hypothetically speaking of course as – you don’t log off tumblr. Tumblr logs you off.)

Who are we? 

We go out into “the real world” and put on a mask of the person we think the world wants us to be. We hide ourselves, pretending to like things we hate. Or float around in misery being invisible until the moment we step back into our homes. 

But that’s not living. We have one shot at this thing called life, this isn’t a practice run. And I want to make the most of this wonderful gift.

If you think about it, chances are you more than likely bumped into the owner of the cool page you’ve reblogging for the past month but you won’t know if you don’t say hi. 

Everyone has insecurities and fears, if anything take comfort in that and know you’re not alone. 

Be courageous enough to be your awesome self! Take that first step. Don’t wait for someone to give you permission. Say hello. Shut up the little voices in your head that say you’re not good enough. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Say hello. 
So I dare you to be brave, be like a kid again. 

Now I’m not American, matter of fact I’ve never stepped on “the land of the free”But I’ve had the (mis)fortune of watching the news and being informed on what goes on in the world. And then I watched Straight Outta Compton. 
Why are you repeating history? Isn’t Ferguson what happened 1989? 

The more I learn about the World, the more flabbergasted I become about the people who let these things happen.

How can you be so ignorant??

How does someone put on a badge and a uniform to protect and serve yet discriminate people based on where they’re from? 

How do you sleep at night knowing that you beat someone to death, knowing that you made their life a living nightmare…

What made you so blind?!

I’ve never been so angry yet inspired and amazed and lost for words by a movie before. 

The crazy thing is, millions of people go through the same things, all over the world; We all have our struggles and own stories. Some more than others but that doesn’t make one any less troubling than another. 

“Leading” countries starting wars in others yet surprised when the people come seeking shelter… Did you expect them to rebuild their homes from the bombs wreckage’s wake orrrr?

Make a change. 

Putting your head down because it’s not happening to you, is just as bad. Don’t wait for it to get to your doorstep. Speak up now, about the injustice you see.

Don’t ever give up

Ever. Never, ever give up.

Be relentless in your pursuit!

Keep your vision in mind.

Be persistent in your actions!

Because you deserve better than this

I’ve been down and out and angry at the world because I put you on top.

I’ve been up so high on top of cloud nine that you couldn’t even pull me down as there was no strings attached.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt on this journey, is that the power is in your hands. 

Hold on to it and don’t give it to anyone else.

No one can make you feel small without your permission. 

Don’t rely on others or outside circumstances to make you happy, there is no Superman or Peter Pan to come and rescue you. 

Because it is all in you to turn your life around, as long as you have a beating heart and air in your lungs there is absolutely no reason for the pity party!

So get up, raise your standards and make sure you value yourself. 

To my dearest

When things aren’t going your way,

When the burden on your shoulders starts to strain,

It’s easier to bite back at everything. 

But you’re not backed in a corner,

You’re only trapped in your mind. 

Remember that you’re the guard,

So free yourself from all the negativity. 

Step out into the light. Your light. 

You’ve got to break the chain

Of these hurt people, hurting people. 

Don’t be a victim. 

Be the change you wish to see. 

Be the hero of your world.  

Be the master of your life. 

You are engineered for success. 

You are destined for greatness.