Oh dear

How fitting that I should find this when I need to vent…

Here I was thinking I lost my mind from loosing the one person in this world who has ever well and truly loved me for who I am without judgement or reservation.

Yet 2013 looks a shade of bleak.

Anger, rage is proof that you’re powerless. Powerful people are never out of control. – Erwin McManus

I heard that in a podcast today, and had a monumental fall out with my brother hours later.

If anything, I know that for a breakthrough to occur there has to be a breakdown of what no longer serves you. It’s impossible to grow whilst being who you were.

When I started rugby, it was an outlet for the anger I felt. My brother is the only person who has ever got me so mad. And all arguments end with me crying, shaking with anger. At the core of it, disappointed and sad at the breakdown of our relationship. Angry at myself for not being a better sister. Angry for letting myself down and my mother and most of all, my brother and that I’m not better.

Since 2015 or 2016 my goal has been to have a better relationship with him, and I thought we were there.

I don’t know why we don’t get along. And although I understand him, I don’t agree nor will I ever accept his views. But unlike him.. actually I can not talk for others, only speak that which I know.

I’ve always worked best with my back against the wall. When I’ve been doubted and got something to prove. But I don’t want this anger. And I don’t know how to let it go.

The difference between 26 and 20 years Me is that I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know who I’ve been and who I want to be. And if I’m going to fight my corner, I come first.

Maybe we can’t be best friends. And if we cannot be respectful, it’s better not let that dark energy fester around others.

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